INT. DAY.
Roll credits, where it says, "Budget News" in weird little casserole writing.
This is still-photographed on top of an ironing board.
INT. DAY. Cut to, Rowie, with coat and tie, sitting in a studio. There is a cheesy keyboard song, that plays as it zooms in.
Then there is a voice over with Geoff saying:
GEOFF
And welcome . . . to budget News!
((ROWIE has a coat and tie and glasses on, and he is real, super serious as he faces the screen, facing directly into the camera. He is a professional. Nerves of steel. Like Milton Berle. There is a really intense back drop with crazy world map graphics. Rowie is ready to tackle, and to handle, the news of the day, week and month. He is the greatest news reporter of all time).
ROWIE
Hello, and welcome to Budget News - my name is Rowie Atkinson, and thank you for joining us tonight. Welcome to budget news, where your wallet comes first! Brought to you by Geoffs mom, the Los Angeles rehabilitation department, 99 cents store, Tommy's hamburgers, Jack in The Box, the YMCA and the Bush administration. Tonight's top stories -India thrashes Pakistan in hockey, Pirate attacks! Miners Rescue, the Hungary damn, and more importantly the damned Hungarians, Parking garage explosion, Obama needs your vote, Obama campaign, marijuana growing, and, well, hey Geoff! Hey man, take that pen out of your ear, and wipe the crumbs off your face, we are trying to do a show! Gear up man! This is intense. Come on man! Are we still rolling?! Alright then, tonight's top story, an in-depth look at the recession, and the effect that it has had on hard-working Americans. OK, and now, wait, now, why the fuck is there a knife on my seat?! I mean really guys! Has anyone looked at this?! There is a knife in my seat. This is insane! Who the fuck put the knife on my seat?! Who would do that?!
AGRO ACTOR
(The Agro Actor pops up quickly, he is wearing military pants, cut offs. He is the ultimate, consumate amateur assistant director that they find through craigs list.)
Let me see the knife.
(All the sudden Agro Actor comes into frame, he is burly actor guy who is just trying to bring everyone's intensity up. He comes right up to Rowie and asks to talk to him or goes up to him to try to pick up the knife.)
ROWIE
Come on you guys, I mean if one of you didn't put this there, someone needs to be screening my seat and looking after my seat, this, this is not professional, OK! Not professional at all you guys! This is not cool! Not cool! Who would put a knife in this guy's seat here?! Not cool guys.Hold on, Geoff, are you with us?!
GEOFF
(eating a donut)
Yeah, I'm with you baby. Always was, always will be. So glad I went to Krispy Kreme before man, this is incredible. You should really check those guys out. Maybe they could be a sponsor!
ROWIE
Not interested in Krispy Kreme right now Geoff!
GEOFF
Well, you should be!
ROWIE
(exasperated)
Unbelievable, this guy is totally unbelievable. . . anyway, OK tonight's special guests are consumer reports specialist Rex O. Fender, and we will have our expert Christina Iranpour talk about the recession and other subjects of interest.
(Suddenly a light just falls on Rowie. We pan back and we see a lighting guy standing on a ladder. He looks down to Rowie).
LIGHTING GUY
Sorry man.
ROWIE
No, it's alright. Let's just keep going man, it's like 50 dollars an hour to roll in this place. We here at budget news realize how hard it can be to afford a television - so we offer you our show free of charge over the internet on a Saturday night, filmed live from this theater here in North Hollywood, this surprisingly small, unkept and unclean theatre in North Hollywood.
GEOFF
Unkempt.
ROWIE
Un what?!
GEOFF
Unkempt. It's unkempt. Not unkept. It's unkempt.
ROWIE
I'm pretty sure you're wrong.
GEOFF
Well, I went to college!
(Set decorator guy walks by with a planter, he sets it right in front of Rowie )
ROWIE
Hey, where are you going with that?!
SET GUY
Sorry, man, I am just putting it where that guy told me to, the set designer.
ROWIE
Let me talk to him. Hey man, what are you doing putting that right there?!
SET DESIGNER
Well, maybe someone above my pay grade said otherwise but I was told that that was supposed to live there.
ROWIE
Well-
SET DESIGNER
Hold on
(He grabs a walkie talkie and starts to talk into it) SET DESIGNER to producer go ahead. Switch to two please. Hold on, yeah. Well, maybe we could have this conversation tomorrow about where this thing is supposed to go, until then it sounds like we can just Hollywood it, I wouldn't have any problem at all just setting it right here and Hollywooding it. Ok you want to talk about it now, let's talk about it now! (Suddenly, 8 department heads come in from all corners of the earth)
ROWIE
What the fuck is going on?!
GEOFF
It's the meeting of the department heads. They've come in from all corners of the earth, to debate, where this planter should go!
SET DESIGNER
Well guys, maybe we should just Hollywood it.
ROWIE
What the fuck does that mean?!
GEOFF
Hell if I know man!
ROWIE
OK guys, could we get back to the show yet?!
SET GUY
Sorry, man, back to you!
ROWIE
Jesus, what is it with this place?!
GEOFF
Did you invite anyone?!
ROWIE
I invited all of my friends.
GEOFF
To the show?! How much did you say it charged?!
ROWIE
I said it was free, and when I get to the door it's goin got be 30 bucks.
GEOFF
I feel so guilty man.
ROWIE
I talked to my agent before the show, he said I should be filming this.
GEOFF
We're not filming this?!
ROWIE
No!
GEOFF
We should be filming this.
ROWIE
How come we're not filming this?!
GEOFF
I don't know, I mean, you know, bro, you're the one with the camera.
ROWIE
The quality is going to suck though, you know! It's like one of these crazy I 4 phones you know, it just, it doesn't work man, you know. For this format, I don't know.
GEOFF
Wait a second, is that a fucking knife on your seat?! And where is the bathroom to this place?! This whole thing is crazy to me, this is crazy!
AGRO ACTOR
Fuck you guys! You better get it straight. Somebody better get it straight out there, you guys. Fuck! I am so pumped up, you guys.
ROWIE
Hold on man, I think it's time for a writer masturbation break!
WRITER MASTURBATAION BREAK
Just show a picture of a hot girl.
ROWIE
And, we're back. Alright, let's try again, hello, and welcome to Budget News. The news that you can afford, hey man, hey! We got a show to do, hey man, get the crumbs off your face.
GEOFF
Sorry.
ROWIE
I'm Rowie.
GEOFF
And I'm Geoff.
ROWIE
And we know in hard times that you need news that you can afford so we are here to bring you a well-approved brand. This show is brought to you by 99 cents and Geoff's parents.
GEOFF
Thanks Mom.
SOUND GUY
OK, Rowie, I'm ready for the sound check.
ROWIE
Hey man, we've been here for like an hour, where the hell have you been?! I'm right in the middle of a sentence, trying to run a show here man.
SOUND GUY
Sorry man, I was out smoking a bowl.
ROWIE
Well, OK, better late than never I guess.
GEOFF
How much are you paying that guy?
ROWIE
Fifty dollars?!
(All the hired help speak up like they're not making anything at all).
GRIP
Fuck man!
GEOFF
Indeed.. . I think the audience, Rowie, Rowie, do you mind if I interrupt?! I think that the audience would be more engaged if we did it this way, you see, the audience might be interested if we sort of shift it to the right, you know, if we shift the chair to the right you see.
ROWIE
I think that you're completely full of shit! You are absolutely full of shit man, I have been in this industry for fifteen years now - you don't know where to put the mics man you're a relative babe in this town you want to rock and roll?!
SET GUY
Hey Rowie, we wanted to have a conversation about where to put these plants. . . uh. . . well . . . they seem to . . .
ROWIE
Still, I don't understand why these plants are so important, OK, why don't we take a writer masturbation break again, and then we'll get back to it.
WRITER MASTURBATION BREAK
Show a picture of a puppy.
ROWIE
Guys I want you know that if anyone and I mean anyone on this crew is masturbating to puppies that it's just simply wrong! You know, where's the sound guy?! I'm about ready for that hit now, these people are driving me fucking crazy with their shit man! This is a young man's game for sure man! Really, you know, it's like first one thing and then another thing. Hey Geoff, first of all, clean yourself up, sit up straight, that's right.
GEOFF
What man, did you want a taste of my KFC or what man?! You know, you say you do and then you don't!
ROWIE
No, that's not it man, it's everything else about the way you carry yourself man, seriously, don't bend over. Sit up straight man! Come on, no! Not like that. No! Hey man, hey! Sit up straight! That's disgusting - Well, why don't you ask them we already interrupted he show - oh, we're back, hello, and we're back!
ROWIE
OK, what's next?
GEOFF
Do we have our special video from Christina Iranpour?!
ROWIE
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a word from our local pundit, Christina Iran pour -
(Show video of Christina Iranpour, she is a sexy, communications school grad who chose this show to showcase some stuff. She is dressed in a really sexy business suit and she is staring right into the camera. She talks in a really nasally voice. During this whole time, Geoff is there, and he is commenting on what she is saying.)
CHRISTINA IRANPOUR
Hello, and I am Christina Iranpour, and I am coming to you live from Tel Aviv.
GEOFF
Tel Aviv?!
CHRISTINA IRANPOUR
Some people say that thousands, and possibly millions cross this path every day, some in the sun, some in the desert, but one thing is definitely for sure - it doesn't get more hot than this. I am Christina Iranpour, coming at you live from Tel Aviv, where the people's struggle is a real one. I'm Christina Iranpour, and thank you.
GEOFF
Is there a reason she talks (he mimics the voice) "like this" all the time?! I mean, that's just crazy.
ROWIE
I don't know man, you know, that's just how she does it, you know. But Uhm, OK, and now I would like to take it in to our local correspondent, Crisis Girl, hello crisis girl, what seems to be the big tragedy today would you say?!
CRISIS GIRL
Oh, you know, Rowie, everything's fine.
ROWIE
Yeah, is it really? Is it really fine Crisis Girl or are you sort of covering up a torrent of emotions . . .
(we pan to crisis girl whoses eyes are starting to water up. She grabs a script and starts reading)
CRISIS GIRL
We live in a perfect world, we live in a fair world, if you think that it's OK that people should get a ticket that goes five minutes over the speed limit, if you think that it's fair that my roommate has a hotter guy than I do, if you think it's fair that I get home at three every night for doing every one's work and then no one's home to chat online with me if you think all those things are fair then yes, we live in a perfect world.
ROWIE
But crisis girl we live4 in an imperfect world what about and I mean what would you say about the other crisies I mean the ones overbroad what would you say to those crisies.
CRISIS GIRL
My online boyfriend is now chatting with a MILF in France. And it's really, really got me down.
ROWIE
I see.
GEOFF
Thanks Cris Girl, you did a great job!
CRISIS GIRL
Really, did I? Do you really think that I did a great job?!
GEOFF
I really do, I think that you did a great job!
(Crisis girl hugs Geoff)
GEOFF
I know but-
ROWIE
Just, can we-
GEOFF
Right. (He mimics the voice) I'm Geoffrey Altrocchi and I will do whatever Rowie says, because, indeed, he is the boss.
ROWIE
And we're back to the show. Next up, sports, with sports girl!
(We pan the camera to the left and just then we see the sexiest superstar of all, the sports girl. Straight out of LA casting, she is a beautiful girl who is very hot and she is taking this as a chance to market herself. Her boobs are through the roof and she is vamping it up for the camera).
SPORTS GIRL
Hello, and I'm sports girl. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show, and I'm the girl who does sports. First up Tom Brady. Next up. Tom Brady. And then, some more Tom Brady. Ladies, how do you feel about Tom Brady?! What else, the giants are winning, the braves are losing, the forty niners might go to the play offs this season, etc., etc. etc. And ladies, who's this guy?! (She shows a picture of Michael Vick who is looking kind of sexy. I know, right?! Kind of sexy, right?!
ROWIE
Ok.
SPORTS GIRL
Next up, sports' hottest stars-
ROWIE OK. SPORTS
What? I'm not done yet.
ROWIE
OK, but you know what, that's good sports girl. That's good.
SPORTS GIRL
Really?!
ROWIE
Yeah, it's great!
GEOFF
It's great.
SPORTS GIRL
Really.
GEOFF
I'm Geoff.
SPORTS GIRL
Oh, wait, which one of you is the producer.
ROWIE
I am.
(Sports girl starts giggling and goes and jumps up in Rowie's lap).
SPORTS GIRL
hee hee hee heee heee heee! I'm a bunny!
GEOFF
Jesus. I'm a writer sports girl.
SPORTS GIRL
That's nice.
GEOFF
Smart girl.
SPORTS GIRL
Well, there's one more thing I want to do I want to play a clip from the Colts' game last night, can I do that?!
ROWIE
Yeah, go ahead.
SPORTS GIRL OK.
(Sports Girl goes into the VCR and presses play and we see a clip of a guy running for a touch down. G eoff looks on with great interest. He starts hooping and hollering and yelling)
GEOFF
Eeeeeeewwwwi! He really nailed that one didn't he! Oh man. That was fuckin' sick bro! Fuckin' fatty dude, there is no way out of that one man, he nailed that shit to the wall! Fuckin' sick dog.
ROWIE
Listen, Geoff, can we talk?! There is a certain vernacular that you have to embrace in southern California - and by the way - why don't you erase your beard man we are out here to impress people not be seen? We want to fit in, remember, fit in! Shave your beard!
ROWIE
And now, finally, for our bullet run down of the news of the day: In a poll taken in LA, 9 out of 10 broke comedian actresses are more likely to date active members of Al Queda, whose actions can be linked directly to the bombing of the world trade center, even they say, if they had said members active in the world trade center, as long as, and I quote "they can buy me a nice dinner every now and again, not like my broke-ass loser comic boyfriend." In breaking news, more pictures of Barack Obama playing basketball have surfaced. . . in related news . . . look at this terrible Asian driver. And, remember the Obama campaign?! That was fun. Well, it's about to start again kids, as desperate as ever. Did you miss that great big magical gigantic O?! Well, it's here again, and it's going to wrap around you with all sorts of Obama bliss. That's right, it's the Obama dance. Antonio Villagroissa just woke up and realized he was the mayor of the city and then promptly went back to fucking a reporter and wearing cheap suits.
WRITER MASTURBATION BREAK
Show a picture of senate hearings. In a related story, a business report recently stated that people walking around in Italian suits saying they were business men, because any one who would spend $5000 on a suit are not really that good in business, on a tailored select suit that couldn't be sold and would only fit them was a fucking moron! Tiger woods traveling the country and fucking a lot of women? Being black hasn't been that much of a problem since Terrence Howard in Iron Man 2. White people, Do you ever feel like your Asian friends are just disappointed in you? As it turns out everyone who thought that they were the only ones who owned the book the secret now realize that 18 million people have the secret and that they are now further in debt. During a brief time in the late otts, black men thought that they were doing the smart thing by taking all the white women from the white guys, they thought that there was a brief time in the late otts when black guys thought that white women wouldn't talk back In a poll taken from women who were about to be evicted, abs were not as big of a factor in the dating world as they used to. In a poll taken at the bail bonds place, a set of tight abs were not the biggest factor in their dating life anymore. There was a brief time in the otts when black men thought that they could steal all of the white women from white men because they were generally more physically fit, had larger penises, and were more of a forbidden fruit. This was alluring to the black guys, they said, because they thought finally they could get with women who wouldn't talk back
ROWIE
And now, a budget report from our budget guy- Rex O. Fender.
BUDGET/FINANCE REX O. FENDER
Certain types of girls cost money. And how do you avoid paying the cover and how to do avoid paying the cover?
ROWIE
So, let me get this straight, the best place to cut your budget is your entertainment budget and the best way to do that and still get your rocks off is by dating a cougar, right?!
REX O. FENDER
Right!
ROWIWE
So, then, why don't we just simply show a listing of everyone's favorite cougar bars around town. Could we get a google map of that?!
GEOFF
You know, I just paid 50 dollars for a girl with drinks last night. Both Rowie and Rex start cracking up.
GEOFF
What's so funny?
SPORT GIRL
You're an idiot. I slept with a guy last night who didn't even pay $20 and he made me take the cab home. What a martyr you are!
(Geoff bows his head in shame)
ROWIE
Come on man, we're just messing with you.
GEOFF
I just don't get it, you know, I try to be nice to them and then what happens?!
ROWIE
Let me coach you in how to talk to a girl, you see, they will respect you if you do it in a certain way. Come on man, gear up, we're going to do the weather next.
GEOFF
Oh, yippie skippy!
ROWIE
How's it looking out there?!
GEOFF
I mean, it is unreal, this place is unreal. Skunks, coyotes, everyone running about, and running away, you know.
ROWIE
No, I mean, come on, what's it like out there?!
GEOFF
Oh, it's great if you like dancing musicals and movies about owls and shit! I am trying to sell a boxer movie, a boxer movie, a noble boxer movie and no one is buying. It's a story about fight and raw blood. It's a story about victory. It's a story about everything. It's a story about life and winning!
ROWIE
In the mean time you have a job- a job to do - you are the weather man for this station. For this show. I want you to take it seriously -
GEOFF
Fuck my job Rowie!
ROWIE
Ok! That's not professional at all.
GEOFF
What do you mean?!
ROWIE
Well, I mean, what does that have to do with the weather?!
GEOFF
Well, the weather in my heart is gloomy ok motherfucker.
(Rowie laughs)
SPORTS GIRL
Oh my god, you guys, this show is so funny! Are there going to be any agents out there?!
ROWIE
Let's hope not! I am Rowie Atkinson, and that's our time!
THE END
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